Life's a mess right now.  Do you ever have those days when you think that things just cannot possibly get any worse and then, suddenly, they do?  Just when you feel like you have made it over one hurdle you look up and realize that there is a bigger one just a few feet ahead of you and there is no way to avoid it?  These are the days that I have to sit back and remind myself that to every down there is an up, that every cloud has a silver lining, and that everything happens for a reason.  These are the days that I want to pull the blinds closed, crawl back into bed, and forget about all my problems. These are also the days that I wish that there was someone there who I could crawl back into bed with who would wrap his arms around me, kiss me on the forehead, and make everything better even if only for a few minutes.  Instead I snuggle back into a mess of sheets and down comforter and wait for the alram to go off again warning me that my snooze time is up.

To start it all off, the clutch in my car went out a few weeks ago.  What should have been a wham bam thank you mame kinda thing has turned into a full fledged fiasco.  At first I wanted to just send my old car off to junk yard heaven and get a new one but a closer look at my not-so-perfect credit made me seriously rethink it.  Then as I sat and budgeted my money I realized that yes, I could afford a new car but that meant seriously cutting back on my fun money.  I would basically be living on peanuts for the rest of the month...oh who am I kidding?  I would be living on peanut shells and everyone knows Target takes check, cash or charge....not peanut shells.  So I nixed the idea of getting a new car and decided to give my trusty old car a makeover.  While she has never really given me any mechanical problems before now she could use some help on her body.  A ding here, a dent there.  A back window that is off track and slowly creeps down as you drive.  Peppers dog hair in every little crevice that the car wash vacuum can't reach...these are all things that need to be taken care of along with getting the major stuff done.  New clutch, new tires, tune up for the winter and the towing fee to move her from in front of my apartment complex to the mechanic and we are talking a good $1300.  I could think of alot more stuff I could spend that money on. Also, that chunk of change is breaking me and until I can get the car fixed I have become a vagabond of sorts.  I have been having to stay in Illinois and split my time between my mothers house and Lance's apartment.  Neither of these have been panning out for me (or them) very well.  While my mother had been great and basically puts up with me coming and going as I please and leaving my dirty clothes on the bathroom floor I know that deep down she wants her privacy back.  Lance and I are downright not good for one another.  When we are together we literally sit and talk for hours and in the meantime accomplish none of the things that we set out to do.  Eating out and drinking lots of wine have become a steady thing for us in these last couple weeks.  Nights that I should be studying have been replaced with trips to the mall, renting crappy movies, playing miniature golf, fishing, long rides in the country, Cardnal baseball games and midnight trips to Steak-N-Shake for two vanilla shakes with extra hot fudge.  To make matters worse we have begun to argue like an old married couple and have been getting in petty little fights about things like what laundry detergent smells best. For two people who are just friends we need to spend some serious time apart if we want to stay that way....if we don't I am afraid one of us is going to end up missing. However, until my car situation is resolved I am stuck with him....or he is stuck with me.  Anyway you slice it it's no good.

I guess these last couple weeks have really made me, for the first time in my adult life, take a closer look at me.  I hate the fact that I am 27 years old working in a job I don't want to be in.  I look at the two women who work next to me and pray that I do not end up like them.  I pray that I do not end up in a dead end job that barely pays the bills.  I hate that I have to rely on a friend for a ride to work.  I hate the fact that I seem to be floating through my life and have no idea how to point myself in the right direction.  I hate the fact that I think I am having a quarter life crisis!

So now I am playing that "what do I want to be when I grow up" game and the irony is that I am a grown up.  When the hell did that happen?  Grown ups are supposed to be able to buy cars by themselves, have real jobs that they love, and have a special someone in their life to talk about all of this crap with.  What bump in the road did I hit that made me fall completely off the apple cart?  Why can't I decide what I want to do with my life?  I feel that with every step forward I try to take I end up falling two more behind and there are some days that I literally feel like I am staring up from the bottom and can barely see the light up ahead.  I have had enough.  I am at my wits end and I do not know that to do.

I have prayed as hard as I know how to pray that God would show me a sign.  I still haven't heard back from him and I am starting to get a little nervous, so tonight I am going to pray a little louder. I am starting to think that either we may have a bad connection ot else he may be hard of hearing.  Either way, I need to speak up.